Life is a roller coaster. Cancer takes the ride to a whole new level.
Just when you think the ride is slowing down, a rushing force can take you to a place of complete shock and terror. This has been the roller coaster I’ve been riding since the calendar changed to 2018. Just when I thought I had faced some of the most unknown, most difficult things a person can face, more unknowns where ushered in and snatched the breath from my lungs.
So I gasped and I pleaded with God for answers, for clarity, as I did all I knew to walk through the most terrifying moments. The good part is that God gave me peace amidst the terror and calmness even when I wanted to scream. The hard part is, life hurts. It aches some days. Watching someone you love suffer takes you to a whole new emotional level.
I’ve wrestled with what to pray, how to pray, and if there are really any right ways to ask God to work things out. Healing seems like the obvious thing, but for some reason it’s hard to ask for. It’s not that I don’t believe God can heal, it’s that I wonder if that is God’s plan this time. Then there’s the request for no suffering, but it seems so lacking in the light of life and death. So I just sit in the presence of God with no words.
I look to him with tear-filled eyes and a longing to understand.
Cancer is so hard.
We want to rise up and beat our chest with a battle cry of victory, but it feels like we aren’t winning. Then God reminds me, He has already won. The truth I know makes it’s way to my heart and I try to rest in the assurance of God’s peace. Back and forth I wrestle between the facts of this terrible disease and the faith I hold so dear.
The enemy is so sneaky isn’t he? He waltzes in with suffering and makes us question everything we know about God.
I’m learning to let myself cry. I’m learning to stop thinking so much about what might happen and to live today with all my might. Somedays it looks like a long day at the hospital with a plastered smile on my face in spite of the pain. Other days it’s tears that engulf my soul until I can’t cry anymore. But there’s strength in both places. It’s the weakest moments when I really experience God the most. It’s the times when I can smile at the nurse that stands on the other side of the suffering. It’s the moments I can release the tears rather than hold them back.
Feeling weak reminds me how much I need Jesus. Not so I can parade in his power, but so He can do His work in spite of my frailties.
What if we all admitted how feeble, and foolish, and frail we are?
Then, I think we might start to get it.
God’s power is not a display of perfection and a perfectly decorated palace of passion, or a pristine picture of the pleasure of this world. God’s power shines brightest in the most vulnerable, weak moments. It’s not a fist shaking, foot-stomping rant about who God is. It’s a knee buckling, heart-throbbing sob of desperation. And oh how my heart throbs right now.
Have you been there? If you are on a roller coaster of life and you feel like you can’t take one more shocking blow, you are right where God wants you. His power is there waiting to meet you on your knees. He’s aware of every tear you’ve held back and every moment of fear. And He is able and ready to show you His power in your life.
It’s not going to be what you think.
But I promise He will be near.
In this suffering that we walk through, let God have his way.
Even when there are no words, sit in the silence and let the Holy Spirit do what only He can. And perhaps He will plead for healing or maybe He will comfort your heart, but I promise you He will be present and your life will never be the same.
God’s power present in our darkest moments changes us.
How is God changing you right now?
Love & Blessings,