10 Things Not to Say to a Depressed Woman

by August 24, 2015

If you missed the series HOPE FOR THE DEPRESSED WOMAN you can find the links here:
Week 1: Slow Down
Week 2: Breaking the Silence
Week 3: Medication or Meditation
Week 4: Triggers and Tips for Success
Week 5: Running Away Sounds Divine

It can be difficult to know what to say to someone who is hurting. It complicates things even more if the person does not want help or does not realize what is wrong. Although your first reaction might be to set them straight and give them a pep talk, there are a few things to avoid saying to a woman who is experiencing depression.

1. What is wrong with you?

If she knew what was wrong she would get the help she needs and be on the right track toward healing.

2. Snap out of it!

If she could, she would.

3. You need to cheer up.

Obviously.

4. You need to get right with God.

While this might be the case, many times depression is caused by a physical imbalance not a spiritual one.

5. If you would read your Bible and pray you would feel better.

Many depressed women go to bed and wake up begging God for relief.

6. You need to be strong.

Strength does not heal depression, but it might help with your next workout.

7. Your family needs you.

Guilt is already filling her thoughts. A guilt trip by a loved one or a well-meaning friend will only hurt an already tender soul.

8. You have got to get over this.

If she could get over it, she would.

9. You are crazy.

She already feels this way. Calling names and labeling her will only induce more pain.

10. Christians do not get depressed.

This is simply not true.

I know Jesus as my personal Savior. I have been a Christ follower for over 25 years. I have felt His peace that passes understanding. I have seen Him answer prayers and I have felt the power of the Holy Spirit of God. I am a Christian and I have walked through the valley of depression.

When you have someone in your life who is in a dark valley, please be careful what you say. Words are powerful. They can encourage, uplift and refresh or they can cut down, belittle and wound deeply. Be patient. Be kind. Love.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue. Proverbs 18:21a(KJV)

There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18(NASB)

Join me next week as we talk about “What TO Say to a Depressed Woman.”

I would love for you to share your ideas of what NOT to say to a depressed woman in the comments below. Let’s share hope with hurting women!

Love & Blessings,

Micah

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About Micah Maddox

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  1. These are good, Micah! How easy it is for us to use our words to hurt – thinking we are helping!

    Thank you for the reminder to be gentle and kind with those who are hurting and struggling.

    I came over on Soul Survivor, and I’m glad to find your post today.

    Hope you have a blessed day~
    Melanie

  2. Yes, yes, yes. As a women who has lived under depression’s cloud all my life, I “amen” this list. I would add “look on the bright side” and “it’s all in your mind” to it! Stopping by from Mommy Moments!

  4. I know the plans I have for you, not to harm you, but to give you a future of hope!!
    Great series!! Visiting from next door at #smallwonders! Glad to meet you here!

  5. Well said, Micah. Words hold the power of life and death. I love how you are using yours to shed light on the darkness and educate others who might not realize what their “simple” words can do. So often when we don’t know what to say, we speak “filler” phrases and words. This is great wisdom and a call to think before you speak.

  6. A friend of mine was explaining to me the “brain/chemical mechanics” that can lead to depression and it was very eyeopening. Thanks for these. Visiting from Messy Marriage.

  7. Thank you for sharing, Micah! Christians need education on depression. I have faced my own struggle for many years. I found relief through medication, rest, a wonderful therapist and now natural supplements. God does lead us to the right place at the right time when we admit we need help.

  10. I think many people say these things because they don’t understand or they don’t know what TO say. You are so right – words are powerful – and when not chosen carefully, they can do so much harm. Looking forward to your post next week!

  11. I have a friend… strong Christian… who suffered from 3 years of depression. It was very hard to know what to say to her… and what not to say… I had to educate myself, and then be OK that it didn’t get “fixed” overnight. She ended up going to counseling and taking meds, and I think helping her not feel guilty or weak or broken because of that was important too. support, encouragement, and not judgment or quick fixes is what we need give our friends who deal with depression.

  12. Thank you for your informative post. As a female who suffers from depression well-meaning words can do more damage than good. I would like to add one that also strikes a nerve with me – “Look at all the people that have things worse than you do in their life.” People just do not understand that people suffering from depression do not have the ability to process that things are worse for others and the depressed person ends up internalizing more guilt.

    2. I agree Stacye…that’s exactly what I would add to this spot-on list, as a woman who has dealt with several seasons of depression. I have tried to recycle the pain of those misaligned comments into validation for my children’s hurts and feelings now. I NEVER say, “At least you’re not dealing with terminal illness” or the like. I say what I wish I had heard: “I understand why you’re hurting/frustrated/sad.”

  13. Totally agree. I’ve been depressed in more ways than one..and have so wished words used were more comforting than like rubbing salt ona wound. God’s grace has always seen me through, though the struggle still persists.

  14. Micha, I continue to love following this series and am so thankful you are advocating for
    all who are walking through this debilitating disease! You are giving hope to many and educating many others!
    Blessings and smiles,
    Lori

  15. Oh! Number 10 struck me to the core. Back in high school, I used to feel so ashamed of my anxiety. I figured that I was broken or that God didn’t love me as much as other people. Now that I’ve walked through the valley of anxiety and come out on the other side, I still struggle with it from time to time. But it does not define me and I know that it does not make me a lesser Christian. Thank you for this post!

    1. Lauren, thank you for sharing your own experience. You are right, it does not define you. I am so thankful for God’s grace and mercy.

  16. “Strength does not heal depression” sometimes I think strength can be such a problem for Christians – we want to be strong and God calls us to be weak. I look forward to hearing what TO say next week :)

  18. Thank you, especially for #10. So true! Have been in that valley myself. I had to leave a church that said a lot of these things but found one where I could heal in the safety of His grace lived out. Thank you for being so open. I write about depression and anxiety a lot from the viewpoint of one of my children. I regularly pin things to a board about it. Pinning, sharing, tweeting! Blessings!

    1. Thanks, Bonnie! I’m so thankful you found a church where you could get the support you needed. Thank you for sharing!

  19. I don’t know how prevalent these sayings are. In all my former battles with depression I never heard them but I also didn’t really have friends or anyone who spoke into my life either. So, whatever the frequency that people hear them, I’m glad you addressed it and pointed people to go to Jesus with the hurt and battle since only HE can sustain us in it by His grace. Thanks for linking this up with us at Grace & Truth!

  20. will you be sharing a list of “what to say”. sometimes it can be just as hard to know what to say, especially if you don’t know someone is battling depression but you think they’re just having a bad day or in a bad, mopey mood.

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